3 Questions You Shouldn't Ask Your ADHDer

Any parent will tell you that when you ask a child a question, you'd better be prepared for the answer, because there is no telling what they'll say.  Typically speaking, if you ask a generic question, you'll get a normal answer though...at least where neurotypical children are concerned.  With special needs children, even the most mundane questions can have complicated answers.  There are some questions that are guaranteed to trigger such responses, and I thought I'd offer a brief...warning.

1.  Where would you like to eat?

Now, if you're a parent, you've been out with your children and realized that they are probably hungry.  Deciding to offer them a treat of eating out, you ask, "Where would you like to eat?"  If you have neurotypical children, you'll get anything from McDonald's to Starbucks depending on their age.  If your child has ADHD, you'd better be prepare yourself.  You might get something normal, or you might get "on the moon."  Yes, I said, "ON THE MOON!" It answers the question, even if you don't have a clue how it would be possible.  This might prompt you to ask more questions.  Do yourself a favor and just....don't.  Once they've given their wild answer, you have a choice:  either reconstruct the question with a caveat that will inevitably prompt more questions from them OR figure out how the hell you're going to have lunch on the moon.  I made this mistake once...and we had lunch on the moon.  We created a "lunar landing" area as part of our homeschool science class and had a nice lunch of cheese sandwiches, apple slices, and pizza pies.  (I let the kids pick the menu.  Can you figure out why they chose those foods?  Leave your answers in the comments section below.)

If you'd like to avoid having lunch on the moon and other similar circumstances, its best to ask questions like these with constraints.  In stead of leaving them wide open, say "Would you like to eat at McDonald's or Burger King?"  You could ask, "What's your favorite thing to eat?" and then you select a restaurant that serves their favorite food.  Occasionally though, I'd recommend letting one of those open-enders fly and running with it.  It could lead to some hilarious and fantastic memories that you and your little ones will cherish for years to come.


2.  Have you finished....?

It doesn't matter how you complete that sentence.  If you are asking someone with ADHD if they have finished something, you already know the answer.  It's no.  Even though you are secretly hoping the answer is yes, you are only asking because you know they haven't.  You're using the question as a prompt to keep them on track.  Unfortunately, you're also making yourself insane.  Repeating the same pattern over and over again, expecting a different result each time, is the definition of insanity. Instead of asking a question, just check.  You can say, "Hey, bring me your homework so I can check it."  or "I'm going to go check your room to see if its clean."  The idea that you are about to find they haven't completed the task yet can be quite motivational.  In most cases, they'll return to the task with a renewed vigor.  It also helps to set small, definable goals when assigning tasks to children with ADHD.  Instead of "Clean your room" it would be more prudent to say "Please pick up all the clothes and put them in the hamper.  I'll be in in a few minutes to see what else needs to be done."  A small more defined task with a reasonable time limit can be helpful in keeping your ADHDer on task.  You can assign a new task once the previous task is completed to satisfaction.

3. Why did you...?

This is a lesson you'll learn very quickly.  That question is BAD BAD BAD.  You don't have enough time or brain cells to endure this level of wacky.  I'm not trying to suggest that people with ADHD are insane or incapable of rational thought, but they are impulsive.  Their minds tend to leap frog through topics.  You ask why and by the time they've mentally processed the answer, they've forgotten the question.  You might think that's a stretch, but I've seen it happen. If you need an explanation from your ADHDer, do yourself a favor and guide the conversation.  Don't just ask why.  "Did you get distracted while you were doing your homework?"  No.  "Did you lose your pencil?"  No.  "Did you forget your book?"  No.  "Were you watching TV instead of working?" No.  "Then you should have it done.  Let me see it." I'm still working on it.  "Has something prevented you from completing your homework or are you having trouble with the assignment?"  No, I'm just having trouble focusing.  BAM!  By asking targeted questions and guiding the conversation toward an actually answer, you've avoided a 30 minute explanation about the math teacher's dress, Sally Jane's new pet iguana, and the dog running in circles chasing invisible squirrels. The reality is: He's having difficulty focusing.  Recognize that the answer to "Why did you...?" always comes back to focus.  Everything else is just filler.  It saves time and sanity just to accept it.  You're job is not to navigate the rocky waters of explanation, but rather to supply the focus.  You can't do anything about his racing mind, but you can minimize the stimuli affecting the race.  A clean workspace, some music he can relate to, and a reduction in foot traffic can be just as beneficial as all the 504 Plans and IEPs and medicines in the world.