They're Watching!

I could easily make that title about paranoia (something that I also deal with thanks to anxiety and depression), but what I'm talking about has more far reaching implications.  I'm talking about our children.  You don't always realize that they are paying attention.  As a parent, I can't tell you how many times I've stopped mid-sentence, looked around cautiously, and then whispered some little tidbit to the person across the table because I didn't want my kid to hear it.  I think with words, its easier for us to think about what's age appropriate or what could have a negative impact.  However, we don't always pay attention to what we do and how that affects our kids. I think most parents have uttered the phrase "Do what I say, not as I do" at least once in their parenting careers. It's easy to spout that line, or something similar thereto, but in reality, it's meaningless.  Inevitably your children will repeat your actions and when questioned about it, they will say - "but, but...YOU did it!"

You could take that opportunity to reinforce the "Do what I say" rule, but it's not going to work well.  The truth is, you probably should be doing the right thing in front of them from the beginning.  If you are, then you'll never have to hear "but you did it" as an excuse for their behavior.  This could be applicable to a number of things, but for the purposes of this blog, I want you to think about healthy choices...mentally healthy choices.  I want you to consider how making those choices sets a good example for your kids. Here are 5 simple choices you can make every day that will benefit you, while setting a good example for your child.

1. Drink plenty of water.

In general, people live life on the go, and as a parent that tends to be more true than for non-parents.  Recitals, ballgames, doctor's appointments, meetings, school parties, and play dates and dozens of other things pile up, and we can forget to stay hydrated.  I know this from personal experience.  You just don't realize how important drinking is until you've chaperoned 30 screaming 5-year-olds in a museum, coached a double header, bathed the dog, given 2 baths, run a load of dirty uniforms through the washer, and cooked dinner.  You sit down after 13 "just one more stories" to find a moment of peace in your busy day and you can't figure out why you have a headache, why your fingers are tingly, and why you feel anxious and exhausted all at the same time.  Well, it's probably not a stroke...you're just dehydrated, because you didn't take time throughout the day to drink some water.

You've heard at least once in your life the 8x8 rule: Eight ounces of water eight times a day.  This is an average, and a poor one at that, but its manageable and better than nothing.  In reality, the amount of water you need depends on several things: age, gender, pregnancy, breast feeding, mental health, and physical health. Toddlers, in general, only need 40 ounces of water a day (5 cups), while a breastfeeding mother in her 30s needs 120 ounces per day (15 cups.) Most everyone knows that if you are suffering from diarrhea or vomiting, you need to drink continually in small amounts to prevent severe dehydration, but did you know that lack of water can create complications with mental health?

Our bodies use water to perform a number of complex tasks throughout the day including metabolizing medications, purging impurities, and regulating hormones.  If you battle depression or anxiety, failing to drink enough water can inhibit not only your body's ability to properly produce the hormones you desperately need, but also diminish the positive effects of medications that help to maintain your stability.  You contribute to your own anxiety attacks by not drinking water regularly.  Soda, tea, coffee, milk, and juice are not substitutes for water, even though they contribute toward your daily total.  I know it sounds "crazy," but I promise it makes a difference.  It's not a cure, but it does help.  My son has a bad habit of not drinking enough water, and quite frequently complains of dry mouth, itchy eyes, and headaches.  When he does, my first response is, "Did you drink any water today?"  Almost always his answer is "No."  But then, as he's gotten older, he turns the tables on me.  If my blood pressure is up, if my blood sugar is down, if I have a hang-nail..."Did you drink water?!"  I'm awful, because most of the time, my answer was also no. This hit home with me very recently as I'm standing in the kitchen taking my anxiety meds with a pumpkin spice latte (don't judge me!)  He says, "Aren't you the guy who is always harping on us to take our medication with a full glass of water, and your standing there slapping back pills with a pumpkinfrappawhatever?"  It's never fun to eat crow, especially when its served by your kids.  He was right.  So, I've turned over a new leaf...one of many actually.  I'm dedicated to drinking more water, taking my pills with water, and nagging my family to do the same WHILE setting a good example. I created a chart so I can monitor the results and remind myself of how much I've had to drink.  I'll let you know what I find out! In the mean time... Stay hydrated and let your kids see it!

2. Say no to caffeine.

If that statement made you sad, you really need to take a step back and re-evaluate your health choices.  Now, before I tell you why you should stop using caffeine, let me tell you...I'm STILL working on this myself.  It's new for me too; you are not alone.  The sad thing is...it's not something that I didn't already know, I just didn't care enough to make a healthier choice.  I'm not going to lie.  I like caffeine!!! That being said, like with all drugs, my caffeine need was a debilitating addiction.

People, for whatever reason, refuse to realize or accept that coffee and soda aren't just something to drink.  They are vehicles for a psychoactive drug. Caffeine is the most widely used mood-altering drug and is consumed by 80% of the planet.  Most of those people will use it, in some form, on a daily basis. Many of them are unknowingly addicted to its use and will suffer withdrawal symptoms without it.  I've heard people (including myself) say, "I have a headache because I haven't had any caffeine today."  If someone said, "I have a headache because I haven't smoked any crack today," we'd be all over that with all kinds of labels and advice.  But when someone says it about coffee or soda, we dismiss it.  Why?!? Because caffeine doesn't hurt you?  Wrong.

Caffeine has a profound affect on the body.  It increases heart rate and contributes to high blood pressure, both of which can lead to heart, lung, and kidney disease. Caffeine is processed by the kidneys and excessive amounts (more than 1 cup of coffee a day) can have long term repercussions including kidney stones, urinary tract infections, and poor blood filtration.  Caffeine stimulates your natural "fight or flight" response increasing cortisol and adrenaline levels in the body. This manifests in a burst of energy, but it doesn't last.  In individuals who suffer from anxiety, you've just triggered the beginnings of a panic attack. We spend most of our day trying to avoid panic attacks, and even consuming medications to control them, but then we intentionally consume a substance that will make them worse.  Doesn't that seem counterproductive?  Excessive amounts of cortisol can contribute to weight gain as well.  And yet...most of us can't function without a morning cup of joe.

That's the tell-tale line though, isn't it? "I can't get going without my morning coffee" or whatever caffeine stimulant you use in the morning, be it soda, energy drinks, or pick-me-up pills.  When you cannot properly function without consuming a particular substance, you are ADDICTED to that substance. It IS a DRUG.  You can make yourself feel better by telling yourself its not as bad as cocaine or heroine, but just because it doesn't kill you quickly, doesn't mean it isn't killing you slowly. Let that sink in, and then ask these 2 questions:  Why am I choosing to slowly kill myself?  and Why do I want my kids to see that?

Would you smoke crack in front of your children?  No, not if you're a good parent. Why?  You don't do drugs in front of your kids, because you don't want them to do drugs, and yet they see you guzzling sodas and coffee and hear you say things like, "Oh, I need my Starbuck's fix so I can make it through the day."  How's that so different?  Something else I don't want them to see--Me having a panic attack.  I hate when they see it.  It's embarrassing to me, mostly because I don't want them to see me lose control, but more than that, it scares them. Dad isn't dad when he's a sobbing mess in the bathroom floor. Why would I drink a substance that causes that to happen?  This information is not new to me, but the realization of what I was ACTUALLY doing is. I was making myself sicker in front of my children and simultaneously teaching them that drugs are ok. My son drinks energy drinks like his life depended on it, and I'm to blame.  I taught him that it was ok to do that by setting a poor example. I'm ashamed and horrified, but I'm doing something about.

Another leaf has turned.  I've switched to decaff coffee, tea, and soda, and I'm working on cutting soda altogether. I don't even keep the "real stuff" for other people. (So if you come to visit and you are expecting caffeine, you're out of luck.) My son is almost 20, and his habits are already formed, so the best I can do now is encourage him to find a better way and set the example. If you are in the same boat I was in, let me encourage you to take a step back and look at the example you are setting. It just might save your life and theirs. For me, it's made a huge difference.  My blood pressure and pulse rate are consistently lower, and I've been able to come off of one of my blood pressure medications. I'm having less frequent panic attacks and I'm starting to lose weight.  And it all began with saying NO to caffeine.

***Let me also include tobacco products as well, as nicotine does the same thing as caffeine, but is more addictive and harder to quit.  I quit smoking after 25 years, and it's changed my life (but that's another blog unto itself.)

3. Eat a healthy breakfast loaded in B Vitamins!

I realize the further I get into this blog, the more I sound like an After School Special. I probably should have taken those more seriously in my youth, but hey...hindsight is 20/20 right??!?? I digress. Breakfast really is the MOST important meal of the day for many reasons.  The biggest reason is that it's the starting pistol for the daily race, and it needs to last all day long!  What you eat for breakfast starts the metabolic processes for the entire day, setting the pace for how you'll be processing energy.  In addition, you're body has spent the entire night repairing from the previous day and it needs a pick me up.  But why rich in B vitamins?

You're body uses the various forms of B vitamins, especially B12, to chemically manage stress.  Do you hear me?  Your body is designed to MANAGE its OWN stress.  The only thing you need to do is to give it the fuel it needs to complete the task.  Is it really that hard to do?  For some of us, it is!  The majority of people who suffer from anxiety disorders and depression also suffer from various Vitamin B deficiencies, most commonly B12 deficiency, which can result in increased stress, anxiety/panic attacks, muscle tension, headaches, depression, loss of appetite, and even hallucinations and delusions.  It cycles back onto itself, because the lack of B12 creates stress which uses more B12, depleting your reserves.  

Recently, I found out that my B12 levels were almost non-existent.  I was having waking nightmares, constant panic attacks, hearing voices, and seeing things I knew couldn't be.  It wasn't until my doctor ran a blood panel that we discovered how severe my deficiency was.  I already eat a diet with an increased amount of B12, but I didn't realize how low mine was.  Furthermore, I was "eating" coffee and cigarettes for breakfast for the last 2 decades, which wasn't helping.  Just look at that pile up - Missing breakfast, not enough B12, drinking/smoking stress inducing drugs, and suffering from anxiety and depression.  I honestly don't know how I didn't have a serious mental health break...though I guess delusions is pretty serious, huh? And what's worse...I was constantly telling my kids, "Eat a good breakfast!" "Eat your vegetables." "Fish is good for you." I love vegetables, and fish is amazing, so I was good there, but that breakfast thing...not so much. The doctor added a B12 supplement to my daily routine, and its made a huge different in my energy levels.

One morning, my son was on his way to take a college entry exam, and I said to him, "Did you eat some protein?  Did you drink some juice, and take your vitamins."  And he said to me, "I don't have time, I'll just grab an energy drink and a pop tart."  What the hell did I do to my kid?  I mean, he's not without his own mental health struggles, and I was making it worse by teaching him bad habits. I know he got that from me.  Not only was I damaging my own health by eating poorly, I was damaging his health by not setting a good example.  "I don't have time" is not an excuse for missing the most important meal of the day.  It takes 1 minute to make a bowl of oatmeal in the microwave.  If your life is so busy that you can't find ONE minute to eat something healthy, then you need to step back and take a look at your priorities.  Need help? Here's a great way to start the day...

The night before, when you are cooking dinner, boil three or four eggs. You're already in the kitchen cooking, so it won't take any more time.  When the kiddos start asking for a bedtime snack, slice up an apple or two.  Give them some and ziplock some for yourself.  The next morning, while you're waiting for the bathroom, throw a slice of bread in the toaster. When it pops out, peel a boiled egg, grab your apples, slap some peanut butter on your toast, and eat.  Five minutes is all it took to start your day off in a better way.  Eggs, peanuts, and whole grain breads contain natural sources of B Vitamins.  If you need more than the average person, a bowl of yogurt with granola and blueberries has a substantial amount of B12.  How long does it really take to make a bowl of yogurt?

When you battle mental health challenges, you need to do everything you can to navigate and mitigate the struggles you face because of those challenges.  That journey begins with eating healthy and monitoring your vitamin levels.  If you have never had your B12 levels checked, talk to your doctor and ask for a B12 blood test.  It might provide you with answers to questions you didn't know to ask.  In the meantime, just eat a good breakfast and make sure your kids do to.

4. Go outside!!!

We live in a world where technology will make you lazy if you let it.  I know, because it got its claws into me.  Seriously, you don't even have to stand to adjust the lights, the AC, and the radio...all at the same time.  I love video games.  Always have.  I spend too much time on them.  I think they absolutely have their place in coping with mental illness (and I intend to get into that for a future blog,) but I don't think its healthy if they take over your life. Exercise isn't just good for your heart, its good for your mind, and it won't happen while you're watching YouTube videos about cats. More than anything else...sunlight plays a very important role in mental health, and you can't get that from any other source than the sun!

Almost every person on the planet who has made it past 3rd grade can tell you that plants make their own food, but sunlight actually causes the production of more than just food in plants. Two of those important processes have to do with the creation of Vitamin D in the human body and the release of the "feel-good" hormone known as serotonin. Low levels of serotonin is one of the most common causes of long term depression and anxiety. In fact, many medications for those conditions are designed to increase the amount of serotonin in the system or prolong its presence. A serious condition called seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is caused by limited exposure to sunlight, which causes an increase in depression during winter months.  The treatment for this condition is phototherapy. Obviously, not everyone with mental health issues has SAD, but we can all benefit from the exposure to sunlight.  The increased production of Vitamin D will help with stress management and increased energy, while the influx of serotonin will help to fight depression and anxiousness.  Adequate exposure to sunshine will assist medications in doing their job more effectively, improving your over all health, and ensuring a happier and more productive day.

Most of people don't get enough sunlight.  We lead 9 to 5 lives.  Most of our day is spent indoors under artificial lights. When we get off work, we pick the kids up from the sitter and head home, straight to the kitchen table for homework.  We clean, cook, and assist until its time for bed.  Rinse and repeat.  It's unhealthy. The weekends roll around and we sleep in because we're tired from the work week.  We vegetate in front of the T.V. under the guise of "relaxing and de-stressing." We procrastinate.  We make excuses.  We don't leave the house.  This habit of avoiding sunlight eventually takes its toll.  Our brains can't figure out when to produce serotonin or melatonin, so we stay drowsy and rundown. We lose interest in the things that make us happy, and eventually find new excuses to avoid the great outdoors and exercise in general. We gain weight, which compounds our laziness and depression.  And again it cycles.  I've been guilty of this for years. I'm the king of excuses. I'm the emperor of "I'll do it later."  I wrote the handbook on how to avoid leaving the house. And it caught up with me. I've masterminded my own depressive episodes.  Depression contributes to anxiety, anxiety contributes to depression, and they both make me a prisoner in my own home.  The only way to fight back is to break the cycle. I'm doing that now...

Take a walk down a country lane.  Go for a drive through the mountains.  Fish. Plant a garden.  Listen to the birds.   Have a picnic lunch with your best friend.  Take your spouse on a sunset stroll.  Provoke joy, and dare to be happy!

5. Be proud of who you are!

I'm a 40 year old, retired, pagan drag queen with a big mouth and the heart to match.  I'm big where I should be little, and little where I should be big.  Gravity is no longer my friend unless I'm laying on my back. I'm a husband, a father, a son, a brother, an uncle, a cousin, and a pet parent.  I'm a chef, a chauffeur, a seamstress, a maid, an accountant, and a personal assistant to two men with bad memories and serious attention issues.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

There are days when I don't want to be a dad.  There are days when I don't want to be a husband.  There are days when I can't leave my house because I'm paralyzed with fear.  Sometimes I'm so tired it's physically exhausting to wash my hair...and I don't have that much these days. I look at my house some days and want to burn it to the ground rather than clean it up.  It's on those days, when I feel less like me, that's when I need to let who I am shine the most. I need to let other's see that I'm not always strong.  They need to know that it's OK to have moments of weakness. I don't have to feel guilt or shame for having a mental illness. And I need to ask for help when I need it.

If there is one thing that I have repeatedly harped on with my children, it is asking for help. I could not tell you how many times I have said, "If you need help, ASK!"  Bad grades, complicated themes, words they don't know, climbing a tree, painting a picture, learning to drive, struggling with healthy choices... ASK ME FOR HELP!  I nag and nag and nag them about it, but what about me?  What do I do?  Nothing. I keep it inside. I'm ashamed of my weakness, and I don't want them to see it.  I hide it. I bury it.  It gets worse.  Then I fall apart and they don't see the tiny battles...they get to witness the nuclear fall out.  That's so much better, isn't it? 

I finally asked Jacob, "Why in the world do you let yourself fail instead of coming to me and asking me for help?"  And he said, "I want you to be proud that I did it myself. You never ask for help."  Well...there you go.  I set them up for failure by teaching them it was weak to ask for help.  What kind of parent does that? I was a walking, talking contradiction, and my kids were paying the price. Well, that had to stop, if for no other reason than hypocrisy doesn't look good in a dress. I started asking for help.  My dear friend Lisa, said to me, not too long ago, (and I'm paraphrasing a bit) "It's not weak to ask for help.  It takes a lot of strength to say 'I can't do this on my own.'"  She's right.  And I asked for help. For years I had allowed depression to compound my anxiety, because I refused to admit I needed help. 

Today, that is no longer the case. I'm in therapy for both, and I have meds for both.  I'm drinking plenty of water and eating healthier. I've said good-bye to addictive substances and shouted "HELLLOOOO!" to the sunlight. Most importantly, when I'm falling and losing myself, I reach out to my friends and family, and ask for help. I will be a better example to those around me, especially my kids. I am not broken, and I am more than my mental illness. 

Have a great day ya'll!

Just Breathe

I've been battling anxiety my entire life, so I have no idea what parenting without the challenges of mental illness is like, but I'm sure we all share similar burdens...those of us with the added task of navigating our conditions just have an amplified version.  I'm sure that all parents panic a bit when their child gets hurt. I'm sure that all parents worry when their children are sick.  I'm sure that all parents are nervous about the first day of kindergarten, first dates, first time taking the car out, and all the other first that we have no real control over.  I'm sure all parents, the good ones anyway, care enough to show concern for the well being of their children. However, for those of us living with anxiety, especially death anxiety, those situations can prove to be debilitating...in more ways than one.

Aside from the nervousness and irrational fears that go with anxiety, we have the added luxury of feeling guilty about our anxiety...causing us to worry that we are failures as parents. I've had thoughts many times that I wasn't good enough to be a parent. I've wondered many times if my kids wouldn't have been better off in someone else's care.  Even after stepping back and looking at their successes, I still felt that way.  That's because knowing something and feeling it are very different, and I believe that's a key component to navigating our very delicate mindset.  What you KNOW and what you FEEL are NOT the SAME--but--using proper coping mechanisms, medication, and therapy to your advantage can help you bring those 2 things into alignment.

Four years ago, my son, Jacob, went on his first long distance field trip with his class.  He was 15 then, and though very intelligent, he had his on battles with ADHD and opposition-defiant disorder to deal with, so any time he was away from my influence, I would worry he was going to have a meltdown.  This trip was no different, and in fact, it was worse, because he would be too far away for me to run to the rescue should something happen.  I lay awake all night the night before worrying about all the terrible things that could happen should that delicate chemical imbalance suddenly shift. I remember distinctly one scenario my mind invented -- He's swimming in the ocean and too far out.  A teacher calls to him and insists he return to shore, but his ODD overpowers his rationale and causes him to swim further out to sea.  In minutes, he's overtaken by waves and drowns.  I can see him drowning in my mind's eye. I can feel him gasping for breath, begging for help.  I can hear him calling my name...and I'm too far away.  I scream out into the night, panicking over something that hasn't happened.  I don't want him to go. I'm pacing the floor, trying to find peace.  Nothing helps. I spiral.  I'm sobbing in the floor, clutching handfuls of my own hair, telling myself its silly, unlikely, and insane. I know better...but the panic doesn't stop.  The only thing I can do to make it better is to keep him in the house...with me...forever.

I have spent my whole life a prisoner of my own mind to varying degrees, and there I was moments from making my son a prisoner too.  Did I want that? Did I really want him to suffer the way I have?  I found a moment of clarity in that realization, and I took a breath.  It's such a simple thing, but a deep breath can be ever so cleansing.  It's certainly not a cure, and it doesn't work for long, but it can provide a second's peace to a mind in turmoil, allowing you the precious chance to turn it around - to bring what you KNOW and what you FEEL together.  In that case, I knew Jacob's teachers cared as much for him as I did.  I knew they would keep him safe.  I picked up the itinerary and read it, over and over.  He wasn't going to be swimming in the ocean, just looking in tidal pools.  He was going to be under constant supervision by people he trusted...by people I trust.  I took another breath and the peace lasted a bit long. I thought about the conversations I had had with his teachers.  I looked at their faces in my memory and saw joy, integrity, faith, compassion, strength...I felt better.  Another breath. The anxiety was fading...now I was thinking clearer: "I'm going to need some help over this hump."  I go the medicine cabinet and find my rescue medicine.  I take one, brew a cup of hot tea, and put on some music.  In 30 minutes, I was ok. He was ok.

The rest of that day, I used what I felt in those moments of clarity to keep the anxiety at a minimum.  I reminded myself that I was giving him something that I couldn't always give myself - Freedom. I called some friends, read a book, watched a movie, cuddled with my furbabies, and worked in my garden.  When he came home, I was excited to see him, and he told me all about his adventures by the sea.  He was inspired to pursue a career in science. He wasn't sure what it was, but he knew he wanted to be a scientist. This past June, he graduated Valedictorian, a Golden State Honors graduate, and accepted into the pre-med program. He wants to be a bio-mechanical engineer and develop cybernetic prosthetic limbs. He's going to change the world for the better. If I had kept him home that day, that moment of inspiration he received on that trip would have been missed.  My anxiety...my irrational fear, very nearly robbed the world of his brilliance.  But it didn't. I think about that and remember. I fought back.  I use that memory to fight now.  Every win building on a previous win for a future win; all working to make what I know and what I feel the same.

When you find yourself lost in fear and anxiety, stop everything and breathe.  As simple as that sounds, as silly as you might think it is...BREATHE.  Take a long, deep, breath and release some frustration.  Feel tensions relax.  Allow your mind to slow.  Even if the calm only lasts for a second, it WILL give you a chance to turn your day around.  Take that moment and FILL IT UP with as many good things as possible. Smile, dream, laugh...even if its forced.  Tell joke, smell a flower, feel the sun on your face...whatever it takes, whatever it is that gives you peace... DO IT! And then breathe again...and do it some more.  You keep breathing and keep dreaming and keep smiling and you KEEP finding reasons to live, love, and laugh, because you're a parent...and that's what WE do.  And if you can't think of your own...you can borrow mine, and we'll get through it together.

Together, we can! Have a great weekend.