Autism/ASD presents a whole set of complications by themselves. While I'm not autistic, I do have an autism spectrum disorder...formerly called "Asperger's Syndrome." Most of us still use that term. I mean, isn't it enough that you had to give it a label. Was it really necessary to change it? Like life isn't confusing enough? We spend a good bit of time either feeling...nothing?...I guess or trying to figure out what we're feeling so we can put a label on it and find a social cue to express it so that you can understand what we're feeling...which is funny since most of us don't even understand what we're feeling. Then there's the anxiety that comes with not being sure that we're "doing it right," because heaven forbid we offend someone because we don't know how to function in your world. Of course that's nothing compared to the depressive episodes that occur for every reason imaginable... everything from guilt for making you feel uncomfortable to worrying that somehow the color of our socks will make someone hate us. We also have this beyond-obsessive hyperfocus-thing that causes us to put all of our attention into the worst possible emotions. It cycles, until we're in a state of absolute emotional overload, and ALL of that can happen in a matter of minutes and last for weeks. The condition is not without its perks, but that's not the point of this blog.
As I've mentioned in previous blogs, I've had issues with my weight for most of my life. It's no secret that I was "the fat kid" in school, and it was made evident to me on a regular basis that fat = bad. It didn't matter that I played tennis, volleyball, softball, and swam. I was fat...fat is slow...fat is ugly...fat is wrong...fat means you are useless. That's how I felt then...and sometimes that's how I feel now. I no longer look at myself as a monster, but I struggle with body image issues daily. Some days I'm ok with being overweight, and other days I hate the sight of myself in the mirror. My husband tells me I'm sexy all the time. Some days I smile and say thanks, and others I think he's a big ole liar who needs to have his eyes checked. Typically, I get through the bad days rather quickly, but then there's that pesky Asperger hyperfocus. All it takes is one comment from one person, and BAM! I'm in a spiral. In seconds I'll convince myself that everyone hates me because of my weight: 320 lbs of disgusting, wasted flesh. I'll go all day without touching food, until long about the midnight hour my head is throbbing because my blood sugar is in the tank. My heart will race. My blood pressure will go up...here comes the anxiety. "Oh gods, I'm dying." And here we go... I'm in the kitchen shoveling food in my face like a prize hog at a slop trough til I'm so full it feels like my gall bladder is trying to shove my lungs up into my nasal cavity. "Oh gods, I'm dying." Off to the bathroom to hug the toilet and try to throw up. There I sit...on the floor with the most ridiculous, illogical, emotionally charged thoughts pouring through my mind: "I'm fat. Starve yourself. I'm going into hypoglycemic shock. Gorge. I'm having a heart attack from overeating. Puke." Jumping through extremes is what Asperger's do best. I think its mostly because emotional extremes are easy to recognize and label, and definitely easy to express.
At this point, about half of you are feeling sorry for me on some level, and some of you are concerned that I'm bulimic. Some of you are going "why didn't we know this?" Let me address those things. Don't pity me. Your pity is painful and unnecessary. I'm not bulimic. I don't binge and purge with any regularity. In fact, the overeating is a coping mechanism for stress, because I'm over reacting to not having eaten all day, and the purging is because I've overfilled my stomach to the point that its physically causing me pain. Take all that and combine it with my unnatural fear of death and ASD obsessiveness, and its a hot mess. All of it though, stems from 1 thing - body image issues.
This isn't an adults-only problem. It starts way back in kindergarten health class when we are teaching kids about nutrition (which we absolutely should do.) The problem is, we are not doing a very good job of sending the right message. The message should be that "making unhealthy choices with nutrition may cause a person to be overweight, which can complicate health." The message that we actually send is "fat is bad." Children don't look at another child and think, "His weight is going to damage his kidneys. I'm concerned for his health." Children look at an overweight child and say, "That kid is fat and gross." This message becomes about how we look, rather than our health, and it absolutely damages self-esteem. It persists through childhood and into adolescence, a time when development includes changes in body type. Some people get thinner. Some people gain weight. Some people get taller. Some, not so much. Bone structure, muscle density, skin elasticity, oil production, and secondary sex traits all manifest during those years. It's at this point that gym class becomes the bane of every person that doesn't fit "society's acceptable body type." At this crucial moment in psycho-sexual development, we are at our most vulnerable...and at the mercy of our "peers." If you are already struggling with mental illness or neurological disorders, these moments not only mold how we view ourselves, but they become a trigger for sudden depressive episodes, overstimulation, and anxiety. To make matters worse, it doesn't stop in adolescence. Adults are just as bad as children and teens, if not worse.
I hear women talk about body image issues far more than men. I think its because if men do it, society looks at them as whiny or effeminate. Men aren't supposed to express emotion you know, and if we do its a bad thing. "You're acting like a girl" they say...as though being a girl is bad. It's not an ok message. Men shouldn't be forced into feeling like "less of a person" because they express emotion. Aspergers work tirelessly to learn how to properly express it, and then we're told, "but you're a man, so don't bother." It's not OK to equate femininity with negative emotion responses. While we're trying to figure out the difference between happy and content, you're telling us we have to sort out which are "man emotions" and which are "woman emotions." Aren't they all human emotions? I mean, if they were gender specific don't you think that at some point the grand design would have weeded that out by now? Whether you ascribe to evolution (which selects against negative traits) or a Creator (who should know better), the reality is, by this point in human existence, if there was going to be a "man set" and "woman set," it would have happened. And ya know what...to some degree there is. Women tend to be more nurturing, while men tend to be more aggressive, but those same traits can be found in both genders. No emotion is exclusive to gender. We all feel joy, anger, sorrow, grief, laughter, shame, guilt, and regret...unless maybe you're a psychopath.
Women say, "Men objectify our bodies." Don't be deceived ladies...men do it to each other...both gay and straight. Men judge each other all the time. Locker rooms and poker tables are riddled with "small dick" jokes, and I've known plenty of women who remark about a man's genitals and body type. That's no different that someone complaining about small breasts or "muffin-tops". We make statements like "he has no balls," as though having testicles has anything to do with bravery. My Mother is one of the bravest and strongest people I know, and I assure you, she doesn't have testicles. Gay men are notorious for shitting on overweight gay men, which is mind-blowing to me, given there is an entire demographic of people who are sexually attracted to overweight people. That's not the message we see on TV. It's not the message we see in body shaming articles. It's not the message our leaders reveal in speeches. It's not the message we send on the playground. Despite all of the body types in this world, society sexualizes and standardizes young and thin. Women are at the forefront of the "body shaming" dialogue, and somehow....people like me...a man struggling to love his body...get's shoved to the side. And what's more...most of us men who are dealing with body shame, have more than just "being fat" as a problem. Our struggle is real and it deserves to be acknowledged.
I've been writing for a long time. I've been published several times over. I used to write under a pseudonym with a fake picture, because..who wants to read an article with a fat guy on the cover. But...recently, I had someone say, "How can I be expected to bare my soul, if I can't be proud of the body that holds it?" There's a lot of truth in that. The core parts of who we are...the soul of being human, is covered up by shame, depression, anxiety, and guilt, and more often than not...it's not of our creation. My dear friend Sayward Shores said to me, "We are not our bodies." How wise! My body is only a vessel, one overflowing with talent, intelligence, and experience. My body is simply the container for "Jase." I am a gift that many people will never bother to open because they don't like the wrapping paper. It doesn't matter. The package isn't theirs to open. It's mine. I open the package and reveal to myself all the wonders and possibilities that comes with being me. That's how I fight back. I take my Asperger superpowers of focus and obsession, and I focus on the best parts of me and obsess over the beauty, strength, and wisdom I have to offer. If someone else wants to open the box, I'm happy to share.
I'm sharing a photo that I've never shared before, as a further step in being proud of who I am. There will be some negativity...but I don't care. If they don't like the wrapping paper, they don't deserve the gift...fuck them. I don't give gifts to assholes anyway.
