"Hey dad! Wouldn't it be cool if..." You can fill in the blank with whatever you like, but in this house those words usually come right before bizarre conversations and insane ideas. They sometimes trend toward something getting blown up or taken apart, up to and including the possibility, if not inevitability, of the loss of life or limb. Most of the time, they just torment my brain, resulting in eye rolls, migraines, and sometimes mini-strokes. This day was no exception...
After an evening with my husband David's parents, we stopped on the way home to buy groceries. A trip to buy groceries with Jacob, our son, is always a treat, but when David is also with us, it's extra special. I'm a shopper. I compare prices, and unless I'm in a hurry, I take my time. I keep a mental grocery list unless I have some off the wall item to buy. I buy what I have room for and try to get the best deal. David is not a shopper. He's a buyer. He enters the store with purpose, gets exactly what he wants, buys the biggest he can find, and the first thing he sees that meets his need. Jacob likes to do things fast, funny, and frivolous and is unimpressed with my shopping habits, but completely supportive of David's "get-er-done" attitude...all with a built in motor.
Jacob, of course, enters through exit door, because...why not? Two seconds in and I hear: "Igottapee. *rrrrrr* *squeal*" as Jacob's built in motor peels out for the toilet. David follows with, "I need mouthwash," and is gone before I can give him instructions on what to buy and what I have coupons for. By the time I've made it past the bargain bins, both have returned. Jacob informs me that the bathroom had water on the floor, sharing this tidbit: "Wouldn't it be cool if someone ran in there and slipped and slid into the wall and fell in the toilet and got covered in poop, but like their head got busted open. It would be hilarious!" Shaking my head, I say, "No son...that would not be cool. It would be a lot of things, but cool isn't one of them." David puts a bottle of super-strength, extra-minty Colgate mouthwash in the buggy. It's practically glowing blue. I ask about the price, and he says, "I dunno. It got it because it was blue and shaped like a mana potion." That's how we buy things in our home folks - Is it blue and does it resemble fantasy items? Yes? Buy it.
We managed to make it to the deli before David decided that I was taking too long. He heads off to buy what he thinks I want to speed things along. Jacob follows him with motor roaring. I grab a total of 2 items and round the corner to look at fish and poultry. As I look up from the "BOGO" on ground turkey, David appears at the cart with Pop-tarts, two 5 lb bags of cereal, and the biggest bag tortillas he could find on the shelf. Jacob's eyes are almost glowing when he says, "Isn't it awesome. It was the biggest bag of cereal we could find." (I'm amending my previous purchasing credentials to include: Is it huge, or does it come in multiples of 5?) I'm staring with disdain at both of them. The Pop-tarts, which can at a stretch be healthy if you buy the right ones, were Oreo cookie Pop-tarts. Both cereal bags have taken up half the shopping cart. Each is made from pure processed sugar and chocolate, and of course, no one knows how much they cost. Jacob hands me a box of plain, off brand bran flakes, and says, "We got this for you." David says, "Is it the kind you like?" My eyes are rolling back into my head at this point, and the migraine is sitting on go.
They grab 2 packs of soy chorizo and the biggest bag of cheese in the dairy, informing me they done with shopping and are ready to leave. I've not managed to get even half my list yet. The rest of the trip is spent with me shopping and them being bored, which contained several random dance moves, strange noises, and David insisting that I'm doing it wrong because I only "bought 1," it wasn't "the biggest one," or I should have bought the blue one. After about 20 minutes, they are completely done with me and go to electronics to look for video games. The gods have granted me a reprieve. In 30 minutes or so, we meet back up front. There are 800 people checking out and 4 registers open because...Wal-Mart. Standing in the line, I here Jacob say, "Wouldn't it be cool if suddenly the eggs just like hatched with exploding chickens." Admittedly, the idea of being able to incubate exploding chickens is intriguing, but preferably NOT in line. The cashier felt it necessary to share with me a look that suggested she thought Jacob ate rat poison as a child. She must have noticed the ever-enlarging veins in my temples, as she casually placed a single pack of migraine medicine on the conveyor, ever so casually glancing at me to make sure I approved. I'm fairly certain my neck forced my head to nod faster than I could consider it.
By the time we get back to that car, Jacob's motor has kicked into full gear. He is now making sounds similar to a NASCAR racecar on the verge of crashing. I desperately try to load the groceries as fast as possible and get home before I rip out his carburetor. We manage the drive home with minimal backseat noises, put groceries away, and decide to have a little family time. We chose to play "Runewars". It's a fantasy board game with battles and magic and whatnot. The object of the game is, normally, to defeat all the other armies and collect 6 dragon runes. It has been altered in our house. You now win as long as I don't. It doesn't matter how many people are playing. As long as I lose, everyone else is a winner. That's OK with me, at least I inspire competition. Admittedly it does get a bit annoying, but I should be thankful that my family considers me the pinnacle of gaming excellence. Halfway through the game, Jacob says, "Wouldn't it be cool if this game were real and I was like the undead and I just went around eating everyone and Jase's elves were all like 'Woah' and I just killed them all and then I turned Jase into a zombie and he was all powerful and stuff." *boggle* David follows with, "I don't want Jase to be a zombie. He's already too powerful as it is, I don't want him having undead qualities too." Jacob says, "But it would be so awesome. He'd be like *bam* *smack* *squeal squeal* AHHHHHHHH. And everyone would be dead." David follows, "And that's exactly why I don't won't him to be a zombie."
Now, you'd assume this was a silly conversation, light-hearted and completely fantasy....if you lived in a normal house. Not in my house...this is a real concern for both husband and son. David is dead serious that he doesn't want me becoming a zombie, and Jacob is almost giddy with the idea of me being some sort of fall-out boy super mutant. I managed to quell the conversation by pointing out that I don't want to be a zombie. I'd rather be a vampire. Jacob is now 300% invested in my becoming an actual vampire with David shouting objections all over the place. I get up and go to the bathroom. When I come back to the game, I realize that it has been my turn for 10 minutes. They've moved on to some other conversation and are irritated that I haven't taken my turn yet. We finish up the game. I won with extreme prejudice. Elves decimated the battle field! David says, "See. This is why we always gang up on you."
We round out the evening and head to bed. As I'm laying down, and David is turning off lights, I hear this..."Hey David, wouldn't it be cool if like we all go to bed and like someone tries to break in and Jase just gets up and wipes everyone out." David shouts with potent seriousness, "NOOOOOOOOO! We're part of everyone! We only want him to kill the bad guys." Jacob responds, "Yeah, but it would AWESOME!." I yell, "Go to bed Jacob! David, don't forget the lights downstairs." There's a momentary hush, then I hear this silly giggle from David, "Yeah, it would be awesome. Hehehehehehehe."
For those of you with no children, you may one day find yourself in a position to defend why it would not be cool if you suddenly turned into a zombie or your groceries began exploding for no reason. Prepare yourself! For those of you with children, you may want to share with everyone else the reasons you've already given! :) Happy Parenting! OH!!...Here's today's big floppy hat.
